Laying it all out here..

Let me just go ahead and start here by going on a complete and total rant. I feel like things are bottled up inside and you know, they need to come out or something.

So let me just start by saying that I am absolutely done with the constant bullshit going on in my head. I tried to be positive and I tried to stop it and that approach didn't work. So now, I'm pissed. I mean, I've been pissed. And I tried really hard to not be angry, but you know what? I really really am. 

I'm so tired of feeling like this. And i'm tired of nobody understanding. And i'm sure that's just me being stupid and there are plenty of people who understand, but you really start to feel like nobody does. Nobody knows how to help you anymore. But i guess i can't expect much when i dont even understand it. I don't want to be around in this world anymore. Because to be honest, I hate it. I feel like I don't belong. I feel as though I'm in the wrong time or something. I hate everyone my age. I think that they are the most ignorant people in the entire world and I can't stand them... (connecting to me having no friends) 
If i'm being honest i'm really not all that fond of humans in general. The lack of regard for anyone other than themselves absolutely disgusts me. So maybe that's why i'm so angry? I don't know. 
I'm also tired of trying really hard to please everyone and no one is really all that pleased. I mean, I try so hard for people because I want to make them okay or make them happy and does it really matter? no it doesn't. because they don't care. 
people just don't care. they really don't.

I apologize for my bad grammar i'm just typing so fast and angrily that i can't really stop to fix it. 

Anyway, i guess another reason i feel like people don't understand me is because i feel like i care so much about other people and i just want everyone to be okay and happy and no one else really seems to feel that way. most people only care what they want or what makes them feel better. and I try really hard to make people happy and do what they want but when it comes to me its never reciprocated and i'm tired of trying for anyone. I'm just done. everyone can get out of my life for all i care. 

maybe i'm just angry at myself. maybe i'm angry that this sickness has taken over my life. and it's taken jobs I loved away from me. and it's taken people I loved away from me. because eventually, nobody wants to be around the sad girl who is all over the place. nobody wants to put the energy into helping that girl. they get tired. everyone gets tired of me. and i'm done trying to keep people around anymore. 

maybe i'm angry at me for giving up.

maybe i'm angry at me for being too depressed to even get out of bed sometimes

maybe i'm angry at me for feeling too sick all of the time to even eat much anymore.

maybe i'm angry at me for letting it get this far. 

maybe i'm angry at me for being this way.

maybe i'm angry at me for not being able to fix it no matter how hard I try.

and maybe i'm angry at me for knowing i'm going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life.

i'm angry at a lot i guess. and the pain doesn't go away. you know that feeling.. when something sad happens and you feel that physical pain in your heart? like it aches almost? I feel that all the time. and sometimes it hurts so bad that I cry because of it. 

how do you make the pain and the anger and the sickness go away? you can't. or at least I can't.

It's a horrible darkness. and living life in the dark isn't easy to do.

end of rant.

thank you.