Paranoia

Let's see. Paranoia. What is it? Well, for me, it's pretty much my name. I mean honestly, I am constantly paranoid about everything under the sun. I mean, is there something else wrong with me? Is paranoia like, an illness or something? 

i'm really just ranting here but I don't understand why i'm so paranoid or how to make it stop. For one, i'm constantly assuming the worst possible situations. Like, if i get in a fight with my roommate (which happened) I suddenly assume she hates me or doesn't want to be my friend anymore or she is going to move out because she can't stand me. When she's also my best friend, so logically it doesn't make much sense and I figure i'd have to do a lot worse than bicker with her for that to happen. But it eats me alive until I break down into tears that I can't control (which also happened.) 

Or if I hear people talking, I will instantly assume it's about me and even go as far as to imagine what they could possibly be saying..usually it's me listing things I hate about myself and assuming they notice them and hate them too. 

The paranoia..it consumes me. There's always something. I constantly question people's motives and I believe that everyone is bad or has a hidden agenda in some way. And it makes me pretty socially inept which is why I can't have more than one friend. If I go out into a social environment I kind of want to cut my head off. I don't know. 

It's just so annoying to deal with. I feel like i'm constantly worrying about bad things happening and it's getting to the point where it starts to get in the way of my life. 

Bleh. That's all. 

So, It's been a little bit since i've written anything but I guess i've just been pretty busy lately.

let's see what's new. 
I'm getting my wisdom teeth surgically removed this thursday so that is going to be a good time. I'm going to a friend of a friend's birthday party thing tomorrow which is a pretty big deal for me because anyone who knows me, knows that there is nothing that I hate more than being surrounded by people I don't know. It makes me really anxious and uncomfortable which is why I have like two friends and am very much a home body. 

anyway, this week I had the brilliant idea to stop taking my medication. I felt like it was only making things worse and I didn't like how tired and forgetful it made me feel all the time. I thought that maybe there was some way I could just work through it without the medication.

I was wrong.

Two days of not taking my medication sent me into an absolute freak out episode where I was uncontrollably angry and crying. It was so strange. I had absolutely no control over my behavior and I couldn't understand what was happening. I didn't know why I was angry.. or why I was crying. I mean, I knew I was crying because I couldn't understand why I was violently pissed off.. but even after I stopped being angry, I couldn't seem to calm back down. I think maybe I was crying out of fear at that point. The fear that I was going back to the way things were before the medication. 

I found out that what I was dealing with was all withdrawal symptoms from not taking my medication, but it still was absolutely terrifying to think that I was slipping back into the darkness that had consumed so many years of my life. 

Needless to say, I'm back on the medication and I'm still pretty infuriated that I can't just be a normal person without medication. Sometimes I try to tell myself that i'm just like everyone else with just a little bit of a different situation, but after a while it gets really difficult to believe that.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say today. Hopefully it'll get better :)