Laying it all out here..

Let me just go ahead and start here by going on a complete and total rant. I feel like things are bottled up inside and you know, they need to come out or something.

So let me just start by saying that I am absolutely done with the constant bullshit going on in my head. I tried to be positive and I tried to stop it and that approach didn't work. So now, I'm pissed. I mean, I've been pissed. And I tried really hard to not be angry, but you know what? I really really am. 

I'm so tired of feeling like this. And i'm tired of nobody understanding. And i'm sure that's just me being stupid and there are plenty of people who understand, but you really start to feel like nobody does. Nobody knows how to help you anymore. But i guess i can't expect much when i dont even understand it. I don't want to be around in this world anymore. Because to be honest, I hate it. I feel like I don't belong. I feel as though I'm in the wrong time or something. I hate everyone my age. I think that they are the most ignorant people in the entire world and I can't stand them... (connecting to me having no friends) 
If i'm being honest i'm really not all that fond of humans in general. The lack of regard for anyone other than themselves absolutely disgusts me. So maybe that's why i'm so angry? I don't know. 
I'm also tired of trying really hard to please everyone and no one is really all that pleased. I mean, I try so hard for people because I want to make them okay or make them happy and does it really matter? no it doesn't. because they don't care. 
people just don't care. they really don't.

I apologize for my bad grammar i'm just typing so fast and angrily that i can't really stop to fix it. 

Anyway, i guess another reason i feel like people don't understand me is because i feel like i care so much about other people and i just want everyone to be okay and happy and no one else really seems to feel that way. most people only care what they want or what makes them feel better. and I try really hard to make people happy and do what they want but when it comes to me its never reciprocated and i'm tired of trying for anyone. I'm just done. everyone can get out of my life for all i care. 

maybe i'm just angry at myself. maybe i'm angry that this sickness has taken over my life. and it's taken jobs I loved away from me. and it's taken people I loved away from me. because eventually, nobody wants to be around the sad girl who is all over the place. nobody wants to put the energy into helping that girl. they get tired. everyone gets tired of me. and i'm done trying to keep people around anymore. 

maybe i'm angry at me for giving up.

maybe i'm angry at me for being too depressed to even get out of bed sometimes

maybe i'm angry at me for feeling too sick all of the time to even eat much anymore.

maybe i'm angry at me for letting it get this far. 

maybe i'm angry at me for being this way.

maybe i'm angry at me for not being able to fix it no matter how hard I try.

and maybe i'm angry at me for knowing i'm going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life.

i'm angry at a lot i guess. and the pain doesn't go away. you know that feeling.. when something sad happens and you feel that physical pain in your heart? like it aches almost? I feel that all the time. and sometimes it hurts so bad that I cry because of it. 

how do you make the pain and the anger and the sickness go away? you can't. or at least I can't.

It's a horrible darkness. and living life in the dark isn't easy to do.

end of rant.

thank you. 

I am completely breaking. It's really hard to take anymore. 

I haven't said much in a while, life has been really busy. I stopped all my medication because everyone in my life agreed that it was only making things worse for me.. and that was defiitely a good choice on my part. But now i'm just back to the depression aspect. Im just sad and overwhelmed and I can't seem to keep the darkess away from me. I feel like I aged backwards about 15 years because when I have to leave my house to go to work or something, I cry. I cry a lot. I can't stand being around other people because the pressure to fake it is way too strong. 

I'm really not okay anymore and I can't figure out how to be. I just know that I don't want to be here anymore. I want to get in my car and drive far away from everything and everyone. Or more prefferably I just don't want to wake up.

Sometimes I consider going back to the mental health center but that place was so awful that it isn't even worth it. I have to find some other way to keep myself protected.... from myself. 

I just can hardly take it anymore. :( 

I keep waiting for things to get better and they just wont. 

Paranoia

Let's see. Paranoia. What is it? Well, for me, it's pretty much my name. I mean honestly, I am constantly paranoid about everything under the sun. I mean, is there something else wrong with me? Is paranoia like, an illness or something? 

i'm really just ranting here but I don't understand why i'm so paranoid or how to make it stop. For one, i'm constantly assuming the worst possible situations. Like, if i get in a fight with my roommate (which happened) I suddenly assume she hates me or doesn't want to be my friend anymore or she is going to move out because she can't stand me. When she's also my best friend, so logically it doesn't make much sense and I figure i'd have to do a lot worse than bicker with her for that to happen. But it eats me alive until I break down into tears that I can't control (which also happened.) 

Or if I hear people talking, I will instantly assume it's about me and even go as far as to imagine what they could possibly be saying..usually it's me listing things I hate about myself and assuming they notice them and hate them too. 

The paranoia..it consumes me. There's always something. I constantly question people's motives and I believe that everyone is bad or has a hidden agenda in some way. And it makes me pretty socially inept which is why I can't have more than one friend. If I go out into a social environment I kind of want to cut my head off. I don't know. 

It's just so annoying to deal with. I feel like i'm constantly worrying about bad things happening and it's getting to the point where it starts to get in the way of my life. 

Bleh. That's all. 

So, It's been a little bit since i've written anything but I guess i've just been pretty busy lately.

let's see what's new. 
I'm getting my wisdom teeth surgically removed this thursday so that is going to be a good time. I'm going to a friend of a friend's birthday party thing tomorrow which is a pretty big deal for me because anyone who knows me, knows that there is nothing that I hate more than being surrounded by people I don't know. It makes me really anxious and uncomfortable which is why I have like two friends and am very much a home body. 

anyway, this week I had the brilliant idea to stop taking my medication. I felt like it was only making things worse and I didn't like how tired and forgetful it made me feel all the time. I thought that maybe there was some way I could just work through it without the medication.

I was wrong.

Two days of not taking my medication sent me into an absolute freak out episode where I was uncontrollably angry and crying. It was so strange. I had absolutely no control over my behavior and I couldn't understand what was happening. I didn't know why I was angry.. or why I was crying. I mean, I knew I was crying because I couldn't understand why I was violently pissed off.. but even after I stopped being angry, I couldn't seem to calm back down. I think maybe I was crying out of fear at that point. The fear that I was going back to the way things were before the medication. 

I found out that what I was dealing with was all withdrawal symptoms from not taking my medication, but it still was absolutely terrifying to think that I was slipping back into the darkness that had consumed so many years of my life. 

Needless to say, I'm back on the medication and I'm still pretty infuriated that I can't just be a normal person without medication. Sometimes I try to tell myself that i'm just like everyone else with just a little bit of a different situation, but after a while it gets really difficult to believe that.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say today. Hopefully it'll get better :) 

Today.

So, this is only going to be about today. Probably going to be a short post, but I just want to get out how I'm feeling today.

Today I feel kind of sad .. well, disappointed I suppose. I guess you get to a point where you start to wonder why you can't just be normal without having to be on medications. And you wonder if the side effects really outweigh the benefits.
One thing I can say is that living with untreated Bipolar Disorder is extremely difficult.. but the side effects of the medication start to really wear on you. 

For one, my medication makes me extremely sick every night. And it's extremely sedating so I wake up every morning feeling like I have a nyquil hangover and it lasts all day. It absolutely destroys my short term memory so I can feel people at work getting angry at my forgetfulness.. but I don't feel okay telling them all why I am the way I am. 

So I guess that I just want to be like everyone else without being on the risky medications and without the horrible side effects.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I just wonder when it will get better? 

Love Yourself.

Alright, so here is some background information.

My name is Lauren and I have just recently turned 20 years old. I love cats. And I also love sunflowers because they remind me of happiness. I'm sure no one will ever read this but if anyone ever does I hope it can bring them some sort of positivity. Even if no one reads it I think it will be good for me to get it out. 

For as long as I can remember I never felt right in my own head.. 
I battled for years internally until I couldn't handle it anymore. Until I finally just snapped. I never wanted to believe that there was anything wrong with me because mental illness was for absolute freaks, or at least that is what my 14 year old self believed to be true. I hid from the world and pretended everything was okay because the idea of anyone knowing that I wasn't actually okay was terrifying to me. But trust me, after so long of putting on a fake face to the point where you don't even know reality anymore can get very tiring. 

So i'm going to blog about my journey to finding peace within myself. I haven't quite gotten there but I hope through my posts I will eventually get there. 

A little over a month ago I broke down and couldn't handle life anymore. I felt myself slipping into constant darkness and my will to live was nearly non-existent. I prayed that maybe I just wouldn't wake up and I planned to take my own life. On that day I reached out for help and that was when I was admitted into the hospital. Staying there was awful. It was scary and lonely. Everything was bolted shut and contact with the outside world wasn't exactly a thing. All I wanted to do was be with my family but they wouldn't let me leave no matter how much I kicked and screamed (and believe me, I certainly did.) 
While being in there they diagnosed me with PTSD and Major Depression Disorder. They put me on all kinds of medications, drugged me up, and sent me on my way. But I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel depressed. I felt tired. I felt tired of battling myself and I felt like I would never be like everyone else. But it certainly didn't feel like "depression." But, they were the doctors, so who was I to argue with them? After about a month of being on the depression medication, things only got worse. I was crying more, I was having manic episodes where I cried hysterically for hours on end and I didn't know why. And that's when I met with someone else and they realized that I had been diagnosed with all of the wrong things.
It wasn't depression. It was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. And anti-depressants only make those things worse.

I've only been on the bipolar medication for a week and a half and so far all it has done is make me sick. And i'm starting to lose the light at the end of the tunnel again. It seems as if nothing will get better and all of these new problems keep rising. Weight gain, sedation, horrible nausea, headaches.. it never seems to end. 

I can only hope that in a few blogs things will start to look up and I can write all about how wonderful this journey is. But for now, I am only beginning it.

I guess one of the biggest reasons i'm writing this is so that if someone, somewhere, happens to come across this blog they will learn something. 
And my lesson is this:

For so long I was ashamed of who I was. I was ashamed that I wasn't "normal." I fought myself. And I pretended to be like everyone else until it broke me. And even if people I know in my actual life come across this, I will NOT be ashamed. Because this is who I am and this is how I was made. I am not ashamed to be me. I will get help and I will lead a wonderful life. I am just like everyone else with a little bit different brain chemistry but it will not break me. Mental illness has a very negative stigma, and it shouldn't. Mental illness is awful to handle and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I guess what i'm saying is...even if you struggle with mental illness, please, please, please, LOVE YOURSELF. you are worthy. and surround yourself with people who don't shame you. and people who do not get angry at you for your outbursts, or your manic episodes, or meltdowns, or whatever it may be. Surround yourself with people who may not understand, because they aren't going through it, but they try their absolute best to understand. that is what has saved my life. 

:) I am going to see the light at the end of the tunnel again, I promise.