Love Yourself.

Alright, so here is some background information.

My name is Lauren and I have just recently turned 20 years old. I love cats. And I also love sunflowers because they remind me of happiness. I'm sure no one will ever read this but if anyone ever does I hope it can bring them some sort of positivity. Even if no one reads it I think it will be good for me to get it out. 

For as long as I can remember I never felt right in my own head.. 
I battled for years internally until I couldn't handle it anymore. Until I finally just snapped. I never wanted to believe that there was anything wrong with me because mental illness was for absolute freaks, or at least that is what my 14 year old self believed to be true. I hid from the world and pretended everything was okay because the idea of anyone knowing that I wasn't actually okay was terrifying to me. But trust me, after so long of putting on a fake face to the point where you don't even know reality anymore can get very tiring. 

So i'm going to blog about my journey to finding peace within myself. I haven't quite gotten there but I hope through my posts I will eventually get there. 

A little over a month ago I broke down and couldn't handle life anymore. I felt myself slipping into constant darkness and my will to live was nearly non-existent. I prayed that maybe I just wouldn't wake up and I planned to take my own life. On that day I reached out for help and that was when I was admitted into the hospital. Staying there was awful. It was scary and lonely. Everything was bolted shut and contact with the outside world wasn't exactly a thing. All I wanted to do was be with my family but they wouldn't let me leave no matter how much I kicked and screamed (and believe me, I certainly did.) 
While being in there they diagnosed me with PTSD and Major Depression Disorder. They put me on all kinds of medications, drugged me up, and sent me on my way. But I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel depressed. I felt tired. I felt tired of battling myself and I felt like I would never be like everyone else. But it certainly didn't feel like "depression." But, they were the doctors, so who was I to argue with them? After about a month of being on the depression medication, things only got worse. I was crying more, I was having manic episodes where I cried hysterically for hours on end and I didn't know why. And that's when I met with someone else and they realized that I had been diagnosed with all of the wrong things.
It wasn't depression. It was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. And anti-depressants only make those things worse.

I've only been on the bipolar medication for a week and a half and so far all it has done is make me sick. And i'm starting to lose the light at the end of the tunnel again. It seems as if nothing will get better and all of these new problems keep rising. Weight gain, sedation, horrible nausea, headaches.. it never seems to end. 

I can only hope that in a few blogs things will start to look up and I can write all about how wonderful this journey is. But for now, I am only beginning it.

I guess one of the biggest reasons i'm writing this is so that if someone, somewhere, happens to come across this blog they will learn something. 
And my lesson is this:

For so long I was ashamed of who I was. I was ashamed that I wasn't "normal." I fought myself. And I pretended to be like everyone else until it broke me. And even if people I know in my actual life come across this, I will NOT be ashamed. Because this is who I am and this is how I was made. I am not ashamed to be me. I will get help and I will lead a wonderful life. I am just like everyone else with a little bit different brain chemistry but it will not break me. Mental illness has a very negative stigma, and it shouldn't. Mental illness is awful to handle and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I guess what i'm saying is...even if you struggle with mental illness, please, please, please, LOVE YOURSELF. you are worthy. and surround yourself with people who don't shame you. and people who do not get angry at you for your outbursts, or your manic episodes, or meltdowns, or whatever it may be. Surround yourself with people who may not understand, because they aren't going through it, but they try their absolute best to understand. that is what has saved my life. 

:) I am going to see the light at the end of the tunnel again, I promise.